Where does all the time go? As kids, we think we have all the time in the world. Not realising that it is gradually slipping away from us.

I haven't had this moment in a while. A time to reflect about where exactly I want to be. I'm tired of a lot of things. The weight of expectation. That I'm not in the place I thought I'd be. I keep thinking about when the time eventually runs out.

Yet I've also met some really cool people. Who I can connect with. Just sit for hours, talking, laughing and enjoying the moment.

When did it get to be like this?

Maybe because we spend too much time together. I feel like I need a break from him, from everything. My phone is going to be permanently switched off for the week. I want space to think things through.

I know I shouldn't have got mad. It was childish of me. How can I express what I want to say? All the time we talked. Constantly trying to make him see past everything. Listening to him til hours. Letting him confide in me because he has no one else to turn to. I feel so drained.

Because at the end of the day, I'm still just a girl.

" That sometimes… sometimes, I just want to throw this analytical, objective and carefully-balanced me out the window. And… just sometimes, I want that whole romantic deal, that…" Dancing under the stars. http://www.obsessive24.net/nickyfic/ya306.html

可是愛 讓我們變成陌生人

Some of the images are clear as day, others are merely a vague memory that I failingly try to recall with clarity. The primary school I went to, as though seeing it in a dream, ghostly walking through it walls. My childhood friends, some just a recollection of faces, names that I wonder where they are, what have they done with their lives. Playing on the streets, electric with so much energy, exploring the world so carefree. Only troubled by scrapped knees or quarrels that lasted minutes, to be overshadowed with laughter again just as quickly. People who are cherished by you will often come in and out of our lives. Mostly we all have in the back of our minds, hoping to meet again. Reminisce the rights and wrongs, the silly arguements we had, over what we can't remember. Looked at how far we'd come, with life, marriage, kids....... Because in the biggest way possible, the childhood emotions largely shaped the direction we knew we wanted to go. Even though I thought I'd become an award winning journalist, my childhood days shaped my imagination, quest for perfection, my love of writing be it a short poem or a story. As adults, we wonder why we can't have those moments again. When the world revolved around us. When we had the courage to do so many different things without fear. Maybe we end up with the realisation some things just aren't meant to be.  

I guess its time like these, you realise how precious it is.

You who loved life so much.

You who will never realise your dreams.

Who touched the lives of so many.

Always there when everyone needed you.

The one who helped me so much.

Why is life so unfair?

Elsewhere - Beth Joy Lenz

"I love the time and in between. The calm inside me. In this space where I can breathe. I believe there is a distance I have wandered to touch upon the years....I believe this is heaven for no one else but me"

Back at university once more. I had 3 weeks of soul searching away in Asia. Being there felt peaceful. I feel clensed like resurfacing after being underwater. I feel much happier with me.

The bar is set high this year. With many new goals and challenges to accomplish. Yet somewhere lingering is still doubt. About whether I am good enough to achieve all the things I want. I haven't reached that place yet.

I walked past his old place last week. For a moment the sentiments did flash back to me. The memories. The laughter and the tears. Then it felt strangely distant, like something out of a dream that I can't quite remember. Quietly I wonder if I'm glad of that. Finally, some of the feeling have begun to drift out of my heart. And most suprisingly that it is happening more naturally than I expected.

I wonder now, where I go from here. It took me this long to move on from him. I feel so drained from it all. I feel lost........

Being hurt by someone, I feel I've changed a lot this year. On my own again, learning to take care of myself again. I used to wonder what it would be like if we were still together. But in my heart, I knew I had to let go. Being in Hk again and without seeing him is less of a challenge than I thought. Maybe because I've grown up more than I realised. Even if I see him, I know we won't be as we were. Even if he has a new girlfriend, I can live with that. Somewhere along the way, I became a different person. If it wasn't for the break-up, I would still be the shy young girl, always trailing in the shadow of others.

My year of working has helped me grow more confident than I've ever felt before. I realise what it is like to be in control of situations, how to handle awkward customers and deal with stressful times. That I'm more capable than I thought. Wherever I go from here, I know have the power to reach out to people.

Playing ~  Promise by Various HK artists

It's been 11 days since the Sichuan earthquake. Lately I've just been constantly watching the Chinese news reports. Feeling the tears of China. The pain, suffering, heartbreak. Watching the people come together.

So much has happened in the past 3 months. I almost forgot that this place existed. Where I would write all the things I wanted to say with fear of judgement. I moved once again to a new location. I've taken a year out to work. In some ways I feel sadder than ever this year. Realising that intentionally or not everything has changed. I miss it, the way we were, the way it used to be. The feeling that I'm almost living in a dream world, searching for the places I can't reach. Yet I can't complain. Because one way or another, through the separations, heartaches, challenges I've been through, I got most of what I wished for albeit not always in the way I expected.

I broke up with him some time ago. Although it still hurts, I've accepted we can't be together. I miss him so much but in my heart I know its better this way. To let it go than keep on hurting each other.

So a new year begins once again. I want this year to be different. I have a lot of plans which will undoubtedly change along the way. I've already started with meeting some new people. Making my life more uncluttered. Working to earn my own money and looking after myself better than I used to to. Tending to my own needs by listening to my heart. Learning the lessons of when to keep pushing myself and when to stop.

I think about how far I've come in a single year. All my friends that are in a totally different place. I want to make things happen this year.

I feel sadness. Not that of sorrow but more of an emptiness currently within my life. I feel all summer, I've only gone halves in everything I've wanted to do. I want a break but I don't feel I deserve it.

Its funny isn't it. That despite all the crazy, stressful things going on around me, I could go to him and all the other feelings would dissapate. Because he had that effect that he could make me happy just by being there. I missed him more than anything this summer. To feel his hug, his warmth and presence by my side. At the same time, I wondered what it wold mean for us to be together. Nothing in my life is ever made easy. I never had the notion that being with someone means attached to them 24/7. Yet I'm scared at the same time that as time goes on, I'm losing focus of my goals. Where I want to be and who I am. I want to be with him, but there is always a price to pay.

Summer is not turning out the way I expected. I feel as if I'm losing touch of everything and everyone. I'm avoiding him. Not because I think we'll have another argument, more that I need some space. Even the thousands of miles that physically separate us. Is it enough? Originally I wanted to accept the job to just get away from there. But despite all the problems, I know I can't make irrational decisions. I need to take my time, to figure out where I really do want to go from here. Irrespective of all the outside influences that seems like walls closing in on me. The decision has to be mine alone, because its the only way I'll look back on it without regrets.

I can't think clearly around him. Not a good sign. Maybe because when I become like that, I get reckless. Losing control, meaning lashing out. As much as it gives me the highs, all I'm doing to myself is delaying the fall. And it will happen. I don't want to go into therapy sessions again. I thought I was past that, because I've come a long way already from where I began. Slowly I've begun channeling out my frustrations and bottled up emotions. Writing more, composing music and restoring the calm after the storm. Still I can feel the tears begin to fall, because pretend or not, I miss him.

I know our relationship hasn't been easy. I need him, sometimes more than I'm willing to admit. I know the feeling is mutual for him. He makes me happier than anyone has in a long time. But I need to learn to open myself more to him. And honestly I don't make it easy for myself either. I know I can't keep letting the past dictate every relationship I have from now onwards. But it has inevitably left its mark.

Listening to: Claire Kuo - Don't want to forget you

It's odd sometimes, how you find the songs that perfectly express how you feel, all the things you are trying to say. Some people say at a young age, you only fall in love with those that hurt you. Maybe that's the phase I am going through. Despite all the pain, I still think about him. Knowing it could be so easy to type even a few words. But I crossed that line a few weeks ago. The ball is in his court. Maybe my imagination runs away with me too many times. Is he just torturing me for the sake of it? So where we go from here, if anywhere at all is up to him. I can only make the most of my remaining summer days. And though the tears may fall, silently while I close my eyes to sleep, I still hold onto hope. Why some people may ask? Honestly I don't know. Maybe because if I gave up, I really do lose everything.

Writing, it was always my first love, with music a close second. I always thought as a kid, the most amazing job would be a lyricist. To have all these famous people singing the songs you've written. Yet I wonder if they really do come true ~ our childhood dreams. For all the nostalgia they may hold. For all the attachment to the memories we cling onto, where exactly do they take us?

A friend asked how I would describe myself. I think of myself as extremely quiet. I could go for days without speaking to a soul and be perfectly content. I enjoy my own company a bit too much. Yet once I get in a stride, I could talk for hours. I could argue for hours too with certain people. I'm protective of my friends, maybe because I know how much life can hurt. And with all the people that leave, I always keep my memory of the very first time I met them.

Have just come back from spending 2 weeks on holiday in Hong Kong. I didn't think I would have such an amazing experience. The feeling of being able to view things through my friends eyes. Knowing so many people connected to this place made it extra special.

I didn't see him while I was there. I guess it means it really is the end for us. But being there in the same place and not seeing him, I felt sad but not regretful. I don't know whether it means my heart is beginning to let go or not. Some way or another I know its for the best. Even though I can't really feel it right now. That I am grateful for the short period of happiness he gave me.

So here it is, the summer time in front of me once again. The real last summer I will have as a student. I want to do something worthhile with it, prehaps complete my half written novel. I watched the film Yiyi. In the past I never really appreciated the beauty of movies, being more of a music person. But as soon as I saw it.

The beauty the director Edward Yang was trying to convey. The feelings of sadness, happiness, sorrow, pain, real life depicted in the film. More than anything, I love the ending. The message of a true dreamer and yet someone who has really lived. Wanting to show people the things they don't know. If I can be half as successful in my lifetime, I will have lived too!

I want a break. Do anything just to get away from here. Its like I'm watching myself in a movie. Yet wondering who is that person? Sitting here, alone by myself staring into space, the tears will keep falling. This was my choice. I didn't think it would be this hard. The flavour of life.

Being with him is always a multitude of mixed feelings. Usually happiness, guilt, peace. But lately I haven't felt any of those feelings. Instead only a feeling of overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to erase. My birthday is next week. So what do I really want? To just take off and spend time aimless wondering in a place far away from here. Where for once I can uncloud my mind, and just breathe.

Listening to: Susie Suh - All I want

Lately I seem to have the same recurring moments. Watching the world blur before me, like a child spinning round and round until they're dizzy. The feeling of losing your balance and not knowing where you will end up. It's already April and I can't help but think how fast my life is moving. In three months my second year at university will draw to a close.

I still remember clearly all the things I wished for and wanted before I came to unviersity. Yet somewhere along the way, I left behind things that I thought I'd always hold onto. Avoiding people who are linked to my past. The things I wanted are different from the things I really need. And the people who used to be in my life... I wish I could say there was a place for them too. But I'm not the same person I was then. As though I'm watching a fading sunset, and losing a part of me in its process. And finding that person I was back then... I don't know if its even possible. Whether that person still exists somewhere out there....

I realised within each of us is a certain amount of insecurity. How we deal with that determines others perceptions. I guess I'm learning how to cope with my own flaws, instead of perfecting the art of conceling them. As we progress in our own lives, try to make sense of everything thrown at us. There really is no going back.

Playing: Winter Love by BoA

Feelings come and go so easily. As though they never even existed. Already in my heart, I can feel the changes waiting to occur. A soft shimmering light, that before you know it will disappear before your eyes to the darkness. I'm going home for just over 2 weeks. A chance to get some time away from here.

My winter crash period is just beginning. Every winter I feel the need to spend time by myself. Not really in the mood to properly communicate. I take time out for myself to just do the things I need to do. Coursework for the semester is over. I thought at this point I would be free. But I'm not. I'm worried about the exams that will quickly come. The need to make neccessary preparations.

Deep inside the mist of everything, I actually feel I'm growing up. That I'm learning so much while I'm here away from academics. Maybe its as good an outcome as I could wish for. That taking this step to be here was worth the pain.